Susan and I recently visited Colorado Community Church with our son and daughter-in-law. The preacher was starting a series on Nehemiah and he ended his talk by asking two questions based on the first chapter: “What breaks your heart?” and “Who are your people?”
In addition to family, which has always been central, I’ve had “people” most of my adult life. They were those I served in local churches like Fellowship Bible Chapel, Laurel Park Bible Chapel, Servants Church and Harvest Bible Fellowship.
We prayed and played together. We carried each other’s burdens and celebrated each other’s blessings. We shared everything from christening babies to burying old friends. Sometimes we fought, as brothers and sisters are wont to do, but we usually made up and stayed friends.
Nowadays I attend a good church but I’m not plugged in. That’s because a few years back I went from passionately promulgating a Christian worldview to critically questioning it. Where I used to see light I now see shadows.
This shift in perspective has resulted in a change in relationships. It’s hard to fellowship around a common cause when you’re unsure about its defining principles. I have not been shunned or pushed away by believers because of my self-inflicted doubts. Just the opposite. I have been reasoned with, prayed for and unconditionally loved.
I know I’m the one who’s moved. I’ve been moving all my life. I was born a Roman Catholic but left that faith community after studying the Bible for myself. I now have major difficulties the evangelicalism that replaced it, which puts me out of phase with those I long to remain close to.
Augustine once wrote, “It is enough for Christians to believe that the only cause of all created things … is the goodness of the Creator.” But how does one account for all the evil and suffering in the world if the “only cause” of everything is “the goodness of the Creator?” Allowing for human sin and free will doesn’t relieve God of ultimate responsibility.
This and other vexing anomalies among core doctrines often leave me intellectually and emotionally paralyzed. But perhaps one day Jesus will take pity on me and say directly to my befuddled spirit,
“I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.”
Then I’ll do gladly do as the paralytic of old:
Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God (Luke 5:24-25).
I hope so.
I miss having people.
3 Comments
April 5, 2009 at 6:23 am
Hey Mike. Good to read your website this a.m. I have found encouragement from a local unaffiliated men’s group http://www.journeyhomemen.com led Jeff Klippenes. Also, I liked “The Shack” quite a bit and “Between Noon and Three.”
I have been teaching Science again after the job in Portola Valley did not last. You were about to interview my boss for a book when the bottom fell out for me. Enjoy today! Terry
March 20, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Mike, I too went through a period of doubt and skepticism, but God graciously brought me through it and back to Himself. (Not to Plymouth Brethren religion, but to Himself.) Chrisitanity is primarily a relationship to God the Father and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, not to a particular group or church. The Lord Jesus has never failed me, but has answered many prayers, though I have failed Him and grieved Him many times, He still loves me and continues to answer my prayers.
March 1, 2009 at 10:47 am
you hit my nail on the head here bro. i have decided that my prayers are only heard by me, therefore God has moved on to things of more importance than my pitiful desires. the news is so full of evil doings that humans do to other pain feeling creatures – yet it does not stop, it does not slow down, and in fact, seems as though it is getting so commonplace that no one notices it anymore. how can Someone of such compassion look at the evil doings in this world and let it be so proliferous? i use to think that if my prayers were answered with a “no”, that it was for my own good at some point that i did not understand at the time. but now, i think no one is listening. so i no longer pray – i still believe in God, but i think he has moved to the outer edges of the universe He has created because our little planet has no hope of getting better. we are a world riddled with cancer – and it has touched every fiber – and the great doctor has decided to let this one go. death always comes – that much we know. maybe it’s time for death of this world.