The Hamel Diet


In an effort to improve my health I’ve hit on the novel idea of creating my own diet. While doctors and other so called experts cheat by using actual medical research to develop their programs, I’ve taken a more natural approach; relying solely on 60 years of eating experience and my pharmaceutically-enhanced intuition.

I have settled on these ingredients so far:

  • free-range poultry from any “red” state, since it’s an election year,
  • oil from olives whose virginity has been confirmed by a doctor,
  • freshly ground Ethiopian coffee beans brewed in a French Press,
  • almond milk from hormone-free, grass-fed almonds,
  • whole wheat bread baked by monks and blessed by a bishop,
  • red wine with legs good enough to star in a Vegas show,
  • any cheese that doesn’t smell like it comes from between toes.

Things strictly forbidden on the Hamel Diet:

  • coffee enemas: That’s not where coffee goes (unless it’s de-caf). Enemas of any form should be rejected in the end.
  • any supplements sold on TV by a guy wearing a white coat,
  • fish and all marine life that swim in their own pee and poop. Think about it, people.
  • anything fermented that you can’t drink, e.g. sauerkraut, canned beets, sour cream,
  • herbal teas that taste like grass clippings from a yard with dogs,
  • tofu and any other food with the texture of congealed mucus,
  • any cheese that smells like it comes from between toes.

Feel free to try the Hamel Diet for yourself. If it doesn’t produce spiritual enlightenment and physical immortality I will gladly refund your money.

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